Deviant Login Shop  Join deviantART for FREE Take the Tour
×

:iconbebopboy: More from Bebopboy


More from deviantART



Details

Submitted on
February 8, 2011
File Size
2.1 KB
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
722
Favourites
17 (who?)
Comments
11
Downloads
6
×
Redemption road oh where does it go?
Through miles of pain and suffering I know.
It twists and twines like a serpent's spine
It slithers through the caverns of your mind.

Your heart breaks as your body shakes
The haunting sound of laughter quakes.
Be forewarned you've only just begun
To fall like the night or rise like the sun.

The going is slow as you all may know.
The corruption is vast but does not show.
The ordeals are many among the task at hand
You fall from the wicked you couldn't withstand.

The darkness consumes and seeps its way in
It misconstrues your views and you begin to sin.
Jaded and tainted you feel no remorse
Controlled by madness you take no discourse.

The dawn breaks and illuminates the skies
It cleanses the shadows which once clouded your eyes.
The nearby cathedral bells hearken in your ear
Almost as if the rapture was here.

Your newfound strength guides you along the path
Focused and determined to smite a demons wrath.
All of the sudden a distant object grows near
As you squint your eyes the visage becomes clear.

You raise your might in fury but what do you see
A woman so beautiful her presence beckons thee.
Covered in droplets of sapphire gold
Her heavenly body is a sight to behold.

She caresses your chest and pulls you in close
You gaze into her eyes as her fair skin glows.
Iris's of aquamarine soon turn crimson red
Having been deceived by the beauty you misread.

The trials you have braved are starting to take their toll
For the payment of this road you giveth your very soul.
Wounded and distraught you rise and stagger on
Not knowing where or when you will face your next con.

Redemption road oh where does it go?
Through miles of pain and suffering you know
But where does it end can your resolve hold true?
I know not where it ends but it begins within you.
The road to redemption is paved with tribulations, but the only thing that matters is for you to take the first step.

This entry is for ImageOVDAInvisible Contest "Beginnings"
Add a Comment:
 
:iconparsat:
I think the main issue with this poem is consistency. It is excellent to think and express what you think, but you must remember that the words and poems that people remember and hold in their hearts are made of organized, clear thoughts. This is something that poetry, regardless of form, must hold to if it aspires to inspire and enlighten.

On the level of prosody and form, you have a pretty good rhyme going on, but the rhythm isn't as strong. A simple application of blank or iambic can easily fix this and really give strength to the words, as well as your complement the tone of your work. Whether it be the firm step of the iamb, the skip and hop of the anapest, or the leaden feet of the trochee, this piece could be definitely enhanced by a good meter.

On the level of diction, you actually do quite well in setting up words with a good connotation. This is a strength of this writing. However, you still have inconsistency in your diction, particularly with your use of thees and thous...faux Early Modern English is honestly quite painful to read. Thou shalt not mix thy "yous" and "thous/thees" indeed. For the most part, though, your words are strung together well. There are awkward spots ("It misconstrues your views and you begin to sin" stands out, as well as "sapphire gold"), but it's not bad.

It's in the meaning that I think the problem of consistency comes into play. The symbols you employ seem a bit too familiar for their own effectiveness, and your theme becomes a bit too predictable at times, or a bit too muddied at times as I read on. Feel free to be diverse, but don't lose sight of that core theme in your poem. In an allegory like your poem, it's a must.

Overall, there's promise, but a lot of fleshing out and resolve is needed to straighten the road.

Many Beginnings, Few Successful Endings,
Parsat
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
3 out of 3 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

Please sign up or login to post a critique.

:iconravingroshie:
ravingroshie Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Wow, so inspiring :)
Reply
:iconthecelticpoet:
TheCelticPoet Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
Wow, this is incredible! Its portrayal of redemption and the struggles we face is stunning. Love. :)
Reply
:iconrollingtomorrow:
RollingTomorrow Featured By Owner Oct 25, 2011   General Artist
Thank you for submitting to the Critique Folder at :iconwriters--club:! :la:

First of all, this is a very impressively written poem. :nod: The flows very smoothly from line to line and stanza to stanza with carefully selected rhymes. You also did a wonderful job with most of your vocabulary in this piece. The imagery is also interesting and vivid.

There were some grammar errors that held this piece back though. They were mostly minor, such as missing commas and the incorrect pluralization in the third line of the first stanza. Instead of "serpents" it should read "serpent's." :nod:

Nevertheless, good work with this piece!


*TheFinalHikari
Founder of #Writers--club, #LandoftheSky, and #Live-Love-Write
Reply
:iconloza-muse:
Loza-Muse Featured By Owner Mar 11, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
wow u should win this is amazing just .....
Reply
:iconxx2cute4evaxx:
Xx2cute4evaxX Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2011
You should definitely get this published. This is by far the best poem I have ever read in my life and I'm totally serious about this. This is amazing, and publishing it would be a great idea, because, let's face it. This is amazing, with great wording and details.

Great job, I love it! You have so much talent. Came totally from the heart.
Reply
:iconuturn190:
uturn190 Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Great piece!
Reply
:iconprincessluna:
princessluna Featured By Owner Feb 16, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I will feature this on my page :la:
This is very well-written, straight-forward and I can actually relate to this piece.

One thing though, the bold font makes it a bit of an eyesore. It makes it quite difficult to read. :(
Reply
:iconkenna20:
kenna20 Featured By Owner Feb 14, 2011  Student Writer
wow...what a day brightern..nono kiddingXD it was...like..sad..kind of..but impressive...as far as my knowledge reaches i think this is a good exampel of use of vocabulary, its well written, understandable, and ryhmes very well..im not a genius when it comes to stuff like this, but it really impressed me..not sayin i could do better..i couldnt by far..but i mean like..compared to almost all the other stuff i read here on DA..its reaaaalllyy good...as you see im not a good commenter either...lets just say: really good written..you got skills! and thanks for sharing!..now il leave with that
Reply
:iconpanda-saxophonist:
panda-saxophonist Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2011
The concept is very well presented. However, a when executing perfect rhyme, one really has to be careful with syllable count.

" Your newfound strength guides you along the path,
Focused and determined to smite a demons' wrath."
Just a bit off here and in some other places friend, throws the reader off.

'This is somewhat more inhibiting on the internet, as poetry is written to be heard, not just read, so the effect and whatever preformance quirks you envision are somewhat reneked.
But a very good idea, and a very good tone.
Reply
:iconapronthespinner:
ApronTheSpinner Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
This is really inspiring and very well written. Thanks for sharing it.
Reply
Add a Comment: