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Literature Text
Redemption road oh where does it go?
Through miles of pain and suffering I know.
It twists and twines like a serpent's spine
It slithers through the caverns of your mind.
Your heart breaks as your body shakes
The haunting sound of laughter quakes.
Be forewarned you've only just begun
To fall like the night or rise like the sun.
The going is slow as you all may know.
The corruption is vast but does not show.
The ordeals are many among the task at hand
You fall from the wicked you couldn't withstand.
The darkness consumes and seeps its way in
It misconstrues your views and you begin to sin.
Jaded and tainted you feel no remorse
Controlled by madness you take no discourse.
The dawn breaks and illuminates the skies
It cleanses the shadows which once clouded your eyes.
The nearby cathedral bells hearken in your ear
Almost as if the rapture was here.
Your newfound strength guides you along the path
Focused and determined to smite a demon's wrath.
All of the sudden a distant object grows near
As you squint your eyes the visage becomes clear.
You raise your might in fury but what do you see
A woman so beautiful her presence beckons thee.
Covered in droplets of sapphire gold
Her heavenly body is a sight to behold.
She caresses your chest and pulls you in close
You gaze into her eyes as her fair skin glows.
Irises of aquamarine soon turn crimson red
Having been deceived by the beauty you misread.
The trials you have braved are starting to take their toll
For the payment of this road you giveth your very soul.
Wounded and distraught you rise and stagger on
Not knowing where or when you will face your next con.
Redemption road oh where does it go?
Through miles of pain and suffering you know
But where does it end can your resolve hold true?
I know not where it ends but it begins within you.
Through miles of pain and suffering I know.
It twists and twines like a serpent's spine
It slithers through the caverns of your mind.
Your heart breaks as your body shakes
The haunting sound of laughter quakes.
Be forewarned you've only just begun
To fall like the night or rise like the sun.
The going is slow as you all may know.
The corruption is vast but does not show.
The ordeals are many among the task at hand
You fall from the wicked you couldn't withstand.
The darkness consumes and seeps its way in
It misconstrues your views and you begin to sin.
Jaded and tainted you feel no remorse
Controlled by madness you take no discourse.
The dawn breaks and illuminates the skies
It cleanses the shadows which once clouded your eyes.
The nearby cathedral bells hearken in your ear
Almost as if the rapture was here.
Your newfound strength guides you along the path
Focused and determined to smite a demon's wrath.
All of the sudden a distant object grows near
As you squint your eyes the visage becomes clear.
You raise your might in fury but what do you see
A woman so beautiful her presence beckons thee.
Covered in droplets of sapphire gold
Her heavenly body is a sight to behold.
She caresses your chest and pulls you in close
You gaze into her eyes as her fair skin glows.
Irises of aquamarine soon turn crimson red
Having been deceived by the beauty you misread.
The trials you have braved are starting to take their toll
For the payment of this road you giveth your very soul.
Wounded and distraught you rise and stagger on
Not knowing where or when you will face your next con.
Redemption road oh where does it go?
Through miles of pain and suffering you know
But where does it end can your resolve hold true?
I know not where it ends but it begins within you.
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The road to redemption is paved with tribulations, but the only thing that matters is for you to take the first step.
This entry is for ImageOVDAInvisible Contest "Beginnings"
This entry is for ImageOVDAInvisible Contest "Beginnings"
© 2011 - 2024 RobertJamesA
Comments14
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Overall Vision Originality Technique ImpactI think the main issue with this poem is consistency. It is excellent to think and express what you think, but you must remember that the words and poems that people remember and hold in their hearts are made of organized, clear thoughts. This is something that poetry, regardless of form, must hold to if it aspires to inspire and enlighten.
On the level of prosody and form, you have a pretty good rhyme going on, but the rhythm isn't as strong. A simple application of blank or iambic can easily fix this and really give strength to the words, as well as your complement the tone of your work. Whether it be the firm step of the iamb, the skip and hop of the anapest, or the leaden feet of the trochee, this piece could be definitely enhanced by a good meter.
On the level of diction, you actually do quite well in setting up words with a good connotation. This is a strength of this writing. However, you still have inconsistency in your diction, particularly with your use of thees and thous...faux Early Modern English is honestly quite painful to read. Thou shalt not mix thy "yous" and "thous/thees" indeed. For the most part, though, your words are strung together well. There are awkward spots ("It misconstrues your views and you begin to sin" stands out, as well as "sapphire gold"), but it's not bad.
It's in the meaning that I think the problem of consistency comes into play. The symbols you employ seem a bit too familiar for their own effectiveness, and your theme becomes a bit too predictable at times, or a bit too muddied at times as I read on. Feel free to be diverse, but don't lose sight of that core theme in your poem. In an allegory like your poem, it's a must.
Overall, there's promise, but a lot of fleshing out and resolve is needed to straighten the road.
Many Beginnings, Few Successful Endings,
Parsat